


To Live, and Be Happy(?)

by Akumageist



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akumageist/pseuds/Akumageist
Summary: Hey, Moa... I love you. But you really botched Hitori and Nageki's wrap up in BBL. Because, I mean... what do you tell to the broken quail in front of you, admitting he can't be happy, because he has to live without you? ...I did my best to help you, Moa.
Relationships: Fujishiro Nageki/Uzune Hitori
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	To Live, and Be Happy(?)

Something was brushing against the surface. Something long forgotten and buried away. It had been quite some time since Nageki felt proper emotion. Though he would commonly be awash in tears from dreams he couldn’t recall, they would hold no true pain in them. They were just a dull wet annoyance on his face.

At best, he missed emotions. Or maybe, the idea of them. But it had been so long since he had truly felt something deep and meaningful, he didn’t even know what there was to miss anymore. He would read of emotions in his books, and for a moment he would pause as if to taste the one he was reading. But it always felt just as ghostly as he.

Maybe any sensation except slate grey was what he craved.

“Nageki, I can’t… be happy… You’re gone. I can’t be with you anymore.”

...And yet, as this unfamiliarly-familiar quail spoke these words, wept these words, he felt something that may have resembled an emotion. A distant sensation that felt just as familiar as the entity before him. He could nearly grasp it, but it was just out of reach, as it always was.

“Listen to me, Hitori.” He croaked, beginning his reply but uncertain of where it would wander off to.

“I couldn’t tell why I was still here… At first I thought my remains-- the parts of me that are inside Mr. Kawara now were keeping me here… But I don’t think so now.”

He paused for a beat to roll his lips and flick his eyes nervously to the floor, away from the quail’s pained hazel eyes. It occurred to him though the man was familiar, this upset demeanor was not. He had seldom seen Hitori cry in life, and it was not due to lack of sadness, but that the bird refused to let Nageki feel any sort of guilt. Which, he always did anyway.

“I think I was worried. Worried that you wouldn’t be able to keep going on alone.”  _ And I was right _ , He thought bitterly.

“I can’t, Nageki. I can’t go on without you! I don’t want to live without you…!”

There was a creeping poison laced in these words, spreading through Nageki’s veins as they were spoken. He wanted say the magic words that would make everything all better, and make his pain go away.

But Nageki didn’t know these words. Or if they even existed.

“Hitori, please…” Nageki hadn’t met his eyes again. “...don’t…. Don’t do this to me…”

Hitori was fighting the 5 year rested instinct to care for the dove in any time of anguish. “what...?” He wasn’t sure what he was even asking.

Nageki’s eyes flashed with fire. “This!” He snapped, gesturing vaguely with his hands at the space between them.

Nageki looked away again, and blinked. “I  _ can’t _ , Hitori. I can’t take away your pain.” He blinked again, and there were tears filming his sunset eyes. “Because--”

The predator lurking just under Nageki’s diaphragm finally surfaced, and Nageki’s throat made a potentially audible choked cry. He squeezed and released his fingers multiple times in attempt to retain himself and keep composure.

“...Because I regret it  _ myself _ .” The words flicked off his tongue like an unwilling confession. “I didn’t want to go to the medical center because I  _ wanted  _ to die in your arms. I wanted to get worse and worse and worse and worse until I just didn’t wake up one day.”

Hitori’s sobbing had quieted, and he was now listening intently to the bird in front of him like his sanity depended on it. ...Which it did.

“So I… I can’t even argue with you. I have the nerve to look you in the eye and tell you to live and be happy and I… couldn’t even be in your place. What am I to do? How am I to comfort  _ you  _ when I can’t even uphold the words on my end?”

Nageki couldn’t look the man in the eyes. He couldn’t face the regrets staring him down, waiting him to spill his heart. The emotions were flooding his heart and seeping into his veins and bubbling over. It was all too much, and he hated it. All these years of yearning for emotions… and now he wished them gone again.

“I’ve wanted to die,” Hitori admitted. The words hung in the air, and even caught Ryouta by surprise.

If anybirdie in the room was a ghost, you would have suspected it to be him instead. He was quiet and still, paranoid he shouldn’t be witnessing this exchange but unable to slink out without drawing attention.

Hitori wasn’t just making a comment as if to relate to Nageki. He was offering it. Nageki suspected as much. The two had never been the most mentally stable since 2180, and Hitori probably plummeted. Ignorance was bliss in the sense that before this moment, Nageki didn’t have to recognize that. That he caused Hitori an even heavier burden than he ever did in life by  _ dying _ .

But his heart cried out in agony at the idea of even a fraction of what he had been through occurring to Hitori. He couldn’t bear to think of Hitori’s death, even in his own.

“No,” Nageki hissed. “That’s…  _ No _ , that’s not an option.”

“But I have, Nageki! I’ve--” Hitori caught himself, holding back yet another confession it seemed.

“I need you… I  _ need _ you, but I... need you to  _ live _ . It keeps me happy. I’d rather you be alive, and living. Hitori…” Nageki’s brain began to gather what he wanted to say. What he may truly want for their ending.

“What…?” Hitori whispered sweetly.

“I want you to do what I cannot. ...Hitori, I miss things. I see my friends…” Nageki glanced at Ryouta, and the pigeon felt his little heart skip a beat in endearment. “...They can do things I cannot. They can eat, and explore, and go to school, and grow up, and experience, and…  _ live _ .” The way he had spoken, it seemed the words had run off without him, and even he was surprised at how he felt.

Nageki tapped his foot for a minute as he gathered more words and energy he hadn’t had in 5 years. “...I want you to do that. For me. In my stead. I’m gone, yes. So I need you to live a happy life in my name. You’ve done all you could for me forever… and you did wonderfully.”

Nageki smiled on the last word. It occurred to Ryouta he had never seen Nageki smile. He hadn’t even realized until this instant, in which he did.

“But now, I need you to do one last thing for me. I need you to do it for you. I need you to live, and experience, and grow, and explore…. That is…  _ that _ is what it is to live, and be happy.”

Hitori hiccuped some tears. He was at a loss for words. He wasn’t sure he was capable, anymore. Things had been so numb for the past 5 years, he didn’t think he was capable of much anything since Nageki had…

“What if I can’t?”

Nageki met his eyes.

Hitori brought a trembling hand to his lips in thought. “What if I can’t, Nageki? What if I don’t think I can do that for you?”

“...Would you say that about any other request I would have?” Nageki knew how to work Hitori into a putty, just as he always had.

Hitori was silenced.

“Would you say that if I needed a new medicine? If I needed a plane ticket to a far away doctor? If I couldn’t tolerate the air quality of the city anymore?”

“...No! O-of course not.”

“So you wouldn’t deny me this, right? Please… it’s my last happiness.” Nageki swallowed. “...Okay?” It sounded a bit selfish, but it really was the only thing he had, now that he could remember just who he was.

Hitori nodded soundlessly, and wiped at the tears dropping down his face.

Nageki smiled again. Ryouta thought it suited him nicely. “We’ve stayed here too long, Hitori. We have to move on. If… if only for each other.”

Nageki began to fade.

Hitori had noticed it, and his body turned rigid. “W-wait--” He said without aim of what he hoped to say. Anything to keep Nageki in his presence if just for a moment longer.

Nageki hovered motionlessly over the floor to where Hitori stood, and thumbed his tears. He looked deep into the eyes he once knew, looking at the broken man trapped in there, one last time.

“Don’t worry. We’ll meet again, somewhere, sometime.” He kissed Hitori gently on the cheek as he was almost absent from sight.


End file.
